


This is what it feels like.

by niamorgan94



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-03-15 14:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13614846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamorgan94/pseuds/niamorgan94
Summary: Alternate Universe Carmilla (no supernatural).After moving away, Carmilla returns home to Silas with a fiancé and must face her past love Laura. Flashbacks reveal what went went wrong between them.This is my first Fanfic, so any comments/thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated!The title comes from the song 'This is what it feels like' by Banks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fanfic, so any comments/thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated! I will try to update as often as possible, but I am a teacher, so it will have to fit around my schedule. I'm also British, so I apologise in advance for the crossovers between UK English and American English.

Chapter 1 

Waking up in an unfamiliar bed was becoming a habit for Laura Hollis. She opened one eye at a time, hoping to delay whatever obnoxious morning greeting would come from the sleeping stranger, next to her. A sickly, sweet, smelling breath on her neck and the weight of an arm over her naked midriff brought her out of her pondering and back to the task of escaping, with minimal fuss. 

Laura put on the rest of her clothes, double-checked that she hadn't left any small token of her being that could be used as an excuse to be contacted later on by this latest conquest. It had all become very sterile; a going through the motions, as such. So, what was the point? Habit? She grimaces and concedes that it's probably just loneliness. 

Bitter wind attacked the exposed skin of her face as she walked out of the apartment block. She pulled her coat tighter around her neck. Christmas, with its family spirit and joyful exterior did nothing but remind her of her solitude. For the majority of the year, she was content with the life she had built for herself. If she had told her high-school self that she would be happy enough settled in the small town of Silas, when she was twenty-five, she would have been horrified at the thought. But those were idealistic days, when she still had both of her parents and a girlfriend who adored her. Christmas had become the twisted, carnival mirror that reflected the emptiness around her. 

Laura headed home to wash of last night's little escapade, grateful that everything in her small town was within reasonable walking distance. From her apartment, she picked up her notepad and two black, ball-point, pens and made her routine morning journey to the 'Laferry' cafe/bookshop in the centre of town. She took her usual seat, tucked into the window overlooking the street outside. It meant that she always had her back to the door, thus focusing her concentration solely on her work. 

"Morning Laura! Hot-chocolate and a cookie?" 

"Not so loud Laf, you're ruining the cool, disaffected image I've created for myself." Laura had the beginnings of a smile at the corners of her mouth. 

Lafontaine, the co-owner of the establishment chuckled. "Your hoards of concubines may have that opinion of you, but the few of us who've known you from school remember your true nerdy, doctor-who loving, owl-sweater wearing- 

Laura cuts them off with a hand before Laf has a chance to continue. "Point made. Luckily your breed is few and far between." 

Laf winks, "there are still enough of us left with cracking memories." 

Laura shrugs in defeat and smiles for real this time, even if it doesn't quite meet her eyes. 

"So, are you working on another ground-breaking novel? Personally, I will always love your first tragic, star-crossed, vampire/human, love story!" 

"I tell you time and time again, that that was my one and only foray into fiction. I'm much better with the travel-writing. I'm trying to finish my account of China, but I can't quite do justice to the sheer scale of Beijing.' 

"Yeah, yeah, travel-blah-travel. I'll leave you to it." 

Laura opened her laptop and tried to get into the headspace to write. She admits to herself that her first novel was still the most popular in notoriety and sales. Nevertheless, it was born out of a time of pure anguish in her life. If that deep-agony was what it took to write another New York Times bestseller, she wasn't sure her already fragile psyche could take it. She concedes that she very much enjoys writing accounts of her wanderings around the world. She's actually really proud of how many exotic landscapes she's had the pleasure of beholding, even if she does then return to her hometown once she's done. If she was to truly analyse her reasons for staying, she could surmise that she was terrified of severing her last connection to her mother. However, she rarely let herself think that deeply, as it only resulted in maudlin thoughts and a fucking awful hangover the following day. 

It didn't take too long for Laura to settle into her writing. She pulled on her lower lip absentmindedly, as her busy fingers conjured up distant lands. 

The door-bell chimed, signaling a new customer into the café, distracting Laura. She patted her empty pockets and silently cursed herself for leaving her headphones in her running shorts. She looked up to see the back of a blonde walking up to the counter. Her clothing was glamorous and tailored to her body; a sign that she was not from around here. She was clearly attractive, if Laf's shy blush was anything to go by. The door-bell chimed again and the blonde turned and smiled at the new customer with a wide, red-lipped, grin. 

"There's my beautiful fiancé, " the blonde declared. 

Laura was about to turn back to her work, when she glimpsed Lafontaine's shocked expression. Thus, she turned to see what had taken Laf by such surprise. 

Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful woman Laura had ever seen. Unfortunately, this was not love-at-first-sight because the porcelain-pale skin, raven hair and deep brown eyes were all to familiar to Laura's dreams. And her nightmares. 

"Well hey there ginge, long-time-no-see," the woman drawled at Lafontaine. 

She began to make her way to the front, when she felt another pair of eyes on her. Turning to meet the gaze, she stopped in her tracks. 

"Laura..." the utterance was barely audible. 

Laura, who had been momentarily transfixed by the dark-haired woman, quickly busied herself with collecting up all of her possessions. 

It seemed as if time had frozen in the rest of the café. 

Laura stood up, as tall as she could manage at five ft. two and walked towards the door and subsequently towards the woman who had caused this chain of reactions. Her jaw was fixed and her eyes were cold. She looked straight through the woman in her way. 

Without malice, anger, or hurt; in fact devoid of all emotion, she replied "Carmilla." And walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Flashback (Football) 

 

Carmilla Karnstein was pretending to read in the sixth form common room. In reality she was subtly eyeing up the new student, who had started the week before. Usually, Carmilla took an apathetic approach to her fellow students. She had one good friend, who she had known since Primary School and Carmilla tolerated said friend's girlfriend. However, she had no intention of widening her, already wide enough, circle of chums. Nevertheless, the new girl had piqued her interest when she was paraded in front of the whole year group and introduced as Laura Hollis. 

Laura Hollis radiated sunshine, it seemed to burst from her pores. Initially embarrassed by the introduction, Carmilla observed a soft, pink, blush creeping up Laura's cheeks. The blush disappeared and was replaced by a shy smile that stretched all of the way to the girl's eyes. 

Carmilla was the night. Her persona was dark and brooding. Bronte's Heathcliff was her literary doppelganger. And yet. And yet, she was drawn to this ethereal being. She had been following Laura's movements over the following weeks and was pleased to find out that they were in the same English class. It appeared as though they were the antithesis of one another: Carmilla always sat in the back row, whereas Laura sat in the front and volunteered answers; Carmilla rocked up just in time for the register and Laura lined up early for lessons; Carmilla sat with a maximum of two people at lunch and Laura had already been invited to sit at the 'popular' table. 

And so it was that Carmilla was finding it impossible to get any work done, when Laura was around. She was currently sitting at a table on the other side of the room, laughing at something that big, oaf, Danny Lawrence was saying. Carmilla thought the laugh sounded like Christmas. 

\- 

Lesson 5, the last one of the day. Physical Education. Carmilla was filled with despair when she found out that her school had made sports compulsory in sixth form. Something to do with the rising issue of diabetes and overweight people being a drain on hospitals. 

Reluctantly, she made her way out to the football field. Lafontaine had somehow managed to be excused from sport for the term. She had mentioned something about inventing a new disease, creating fake websites and convincing the teachers that it could be triggered though the secretion of sweat. It all sounded far too much work than it was worth. So Carmilla found herself hovering by the defense line- wishing she was anywhere else. 

For the majority of the game, she managed to avoid playing, preferring instead to watch the terrifying Laura Hollis tare through the field and players. Laura was on the opposite team and had scored every goal so far. Out on the football field, there was no sign of the sweet, delicate, flower that appeared in the classroom. 

As Carmilla was day-dreaming, she realised that Laura was sprinting down the field, towards her at a ridiculous speed. It dawns on Carmilla that her position is as a defender. Laura doges past two midfielders, expertly dribbling the ball and using control skills to navigate the ball around the first defender. She locks eyes with Carmilla, like a lion sizing up its prey. Carmilla realises this is her chance to impress Laura; so she stands firm, blocking the striker's path to the goal. Laura runs at her, charging as a bull and goes to side-step the defender in the last minute. However, Carmilla predicted the move and once again stepped into Laura's path. Laura's speed was too fast and her trajectory had become fixed. 

Laura was the unstoppable force. 

Carmilla tried to be the immovable object. 

Something had to give. 

Turns out that something was Carmilla's wrist. One minute Carmilla was watching her crush come hurtling towards her and the next she was on her back, struggling to breathe, registering that she had had the wind knocked out of her and she was looking up at Laura's concerned face. Other people must have also appeared around her, but all she could focus on were the honey-brown eyes pearing into hers. Laura's face was getting closer to her own and Carmilla wondered if her breathlessness was actually caused by a physical ailment. 

"Carmilla! Carmilla, I'm so sorry! Are you ok? Can you stand up? Oh my God, can you even move? Are you paralyzed - 

-Woah. Slow down sweetheart," Carmilla interupted. 

Laura looked relieved. Carmilla decided to push her luck, surprisingly finding confidence from the position she found herself in. 

"If you wanted to get me on my back, you only had to ask Creampuff." 

A pink blush spread through Laura's cheeks and she held her bottom lip with her teeth. Suddenly aware of how close she was to Carmilla, she moved away and stood up. Carmilla felt the loss of Laura above her. And that was the moment she felt excruciating agony in her left wrist, which was twisted awkwardly underneath her body.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

 

Carmilla decided that she could rock a cast. Although they would not give her her first choice colour (black), she was content with the dark purple alternative. Lafontaine had already written all over it (mostly chemical equations). 

Carmilla had her nose buried in a book at lunch, when Laura pulled out the chair next to her and sat down. 

"Hey," Laura said shyly. "How's the wrist?" A sheepish expression was evident across her face. 

Carmilla put down the book to give Laura her full attention. "Oh, you know... it's probably the worst pain I've experienced in my life. It's keeping me awake at night." 

Laura's jaw dropped. She opened her mouth to apologise for the hundredth time, but Carmilla put out her good hand to stop her. 

"I'm kidding, Creampuff! The doctors gave me some great pain medication. It's just itchy now." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Good... cause I am really, really sorry - 

-Enough," Carmilla smiled and it reached her eyes. It was infectious and Laura returned the smile. They settled into a comfortable silence, both glad of each others company. 

\- 

Carmilla and Laura started to hang out more. At first they just chatted about their English homework and this quickly lead to their favourite books and then TV shows and films, which of course naturally progressed to their hopes and dreams of the future. 

They were in the school library when Laura's horrified voice cut through the deafening silence. 

"What do you mean, you've never seen Doctor Who?" Laura was incredulous. 

Carmilla urged her to calm down before they got kicked out of the library by the hag at the desk. 

"Chill Creampuff, it's not that big a deal, surely?" 

"I mean, it's something we need to fix!" 

"And what is your solution to this clearly devastating predicament?" Carmilla's right eyebrow rose with a smirk. 

"Well, you should come over to mine, so that I can educate you," said Laura confidently. 

It was a combination of the thought of being alone with Laura, in a private situation and the implication she took from Laura's offer to educate her, that made her cheeks colour briefly. However, she endeavoured to act unperturbed. 

"I guess that could be arranged," she replied. 

Laura beamed. "Great! It's a date! I'll meet you after school, in the car park." Then, she left to go to class. 

Once she had watched the smaller girl leave, Carmilla smiled to herself. She wondered if it was bad that she was grateful for the broken arm because it had made Laura notice her. But, then, she worried that Laura was just giving her attention she felt guilty for causing the injury. And she definitely didn't want Laura to feel sorry for her. And what did she mean it was a date? Was it actually to be a date? She felt panic spread throughout her body. 

Someone dropped a book nearby and it had the effect of snapping her out of her worried daze. 'Stop it,' she chided herself. 'You sound like the Creampuff. Now get your shit together and get back to your usual apathetic self. She looked around the library, suddenly aware that she had been muttering to herself and gesticulating like a mad woman. She huffed out a breath, packed up her stuff and exited the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

 

"Next time, I get to pick the music," Carmilla stated forcefully. Carmilla and Laura had pulled up outside of Laura's house. 

"Next time? Aren't we a little presumptuous, Miss Karnstein?" Laura grinned. 

Carmilla quirked her eyebrow playfully. "You're not going to be able to get rid of me now, Cutie." 

Laura's eyes narrowed, "Like a stray dog?" She smirked back. 

Carmilla was fully engaged in this tete-a-tete. "Trust me, girls always want a repeat performance." She was bold enough to glance at Laura's lips, briefly. 

Laura put her hands up in mock-defeat, "Woah, there, Lady-killer!" She laughed to indicate that she would not be so easily seduced. "I had heard rumours that you were the school's resident, lesbian, lothario, however if all you've got is a cheeky wink and some cheesy lines, I'm afraid I'm a little underwhelmed." 

Carmilla pursed her lips and huffed out a breath, surprised that Laura had been able to see through her so easily. "Please, I was barely flexing my muscles. You wouldn't stand a chance if I really turned on the allure." 

Laura shrugged. "I guess only time will tell" and she winked at Carmilla, before leaving the car. 

Carmilla clicked her tongue and under her breath she murmered, "Damn. The girl's got game." 

\- 

After a brief introduction to Laura's parents, Carmilla had been whisked upstairs to her room. Laura dropped her backpack on the floor and settled comfortably on her bed, waiting for her laptop to load. Carmilla took the chance to survey the room. The colour scheme reflected Laura perfectly. White walls, with yellow borders and small, intricate, patterns that, when inspected closely, appeared to be tiny Huffelpuff insignias. 

Carmilla chuckled and pointed at what she was looking at. "You can't even blame this on younger you because you've only just moved in." 

Laura's expression indicated that she gave absolutely zero fucks. 

Carmilla moved over to the extensive bookshelves. You could tell a lot about a person from the books that they read. For instance, if a person did not possess any books whatsoever, Carmilla could categorically say that such a person would never be invited into her selective fold. Laura had a good range of young-adult fiction, from the obvious Harry Potter, to Anthony Horrowitz and Suzanne Collins. She owned a number of classics, of which Jane Eyre looked the most thumbed. Nevertheless, it was the top shelf that captured Carmilla's attention: Jeannette Winterson, Sarah Waters, Rita Mae Brown and Fannie Flagg. 

Carmilla smiled appreciatively at Laura, "I knew my gay-dar was picking up signals coming from you." 

Laura rolled her eyes, but smiled at the same time. "Was it my feminist rants in English, or my incredible football skills?" 

"No, no. It was that top you wore two weeks ago that said "Nobody knows I'm a lesbian." 

Laura burst out laughing. "I did wonder if anyone would clock that. I always find that it's easier to be upfront about such things, especially when you're new to a place." 

Carmilla sat down next to Laura and questioned, "have you had to move around a lot then?" 

"Yupp. Many times. I've lived all over the world. My parents are in the military. But Dad's recently been promoted to a job on the base, nearby, so we don't need to move anymore." She paused for a few seconds, "Mum can still be called into active duty though." 

A silence settled between them. Carmilla wasn't sure what to say to something that clearly worried Laura. However, she couldn't stand to see the light leave the girl's eyes. 

"You seem really close to your parents." It was more a statement, rather than a question. Nevertheless, it had the desired effect, as Laura seemed pleased by the observation. 

"Yeah, it’s just the three of us, so we're a tight unit. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they drive me crazy; my Dad can be ridiculously over-protective and my Mum knows me so well that it can be difficult to keep any secrets from her. 

Laura had been looking at a picture of the three of them from a trip to France, the Summer before, so she was surprised to see the wistful expression on Carmilla's face when she turned back. Carmilla saw Laura staring and quickly changed the subject back to a topic she was comfortable with. 

"So have you got some long-distance love waiting for you in a foreign land?" 

Laura laughed and blew air through her nose "unfortunately, I was never really anywhere permanently enough for something serious." 

Carmilla smirked devilishly, "so you only had time for a bit of quick fun then?" 

Laura playfully smacked her on her shoulder, "is your mind always in the gutter?" 

"It must be the effect you have on me, Cupcake." She risked a look at Laura's lips and Laura lightly brushed her tongue over them, but whether or not the action was a conscious one, Carmilla could not determine. 

Laura was the first to break the tension between them by coughing and moving her laptop to sit in front of the two of them. The movement snapped Carmilla out of her daze. 

"So, I'm pretty sure you said that Doctor Who could never be scary? Well, I am going to prove you wrong." 

Carmilla chuckled, "I highly doubt it, Creampuff." 

"Well this episode is called 'Blink' and it still gives me nightmares." 

"Yeah, that's not helping your case. I saw you jump a mile in class last week when the person behind you tapped on your shoulder to ask you for a spare pen." 

"Hey, I was fully focussed on an essay on gothic literature." 

"Still not convincing." Carmilla paused and grinned as she had had an idea. "Care to make a wager?" 

"Like if I win you have to buy me a cookie for lunch everyday, next week, and you have to call me Laura, instead of some ridiculous confectionary." 

"Deal." Carmilla quickly responded. 

"Wait, what do you get if you win- which you totally won't, by the way?" 

"If I win," Carmilla took a second to pause and to give Laura her full attention, "if I win, I get a kiss."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

 

Laura laughed nervously and Carmilla wanted to make sure that she didn't scare her away, so she pulled out the big guns. 

"If you have as much faith in your Doctor as you say you so, then surely this shouldn’t even be an issue..." 

Laura was still a little bit surprised by Carmilla's forwardness, however she could never be seen to lose face when it came to Doctor Who. 

"Fine. Deal. But you better start putting aside some extra funds for all of the cookies you'll be buying me." 

The episode, Blink, was centred around the terrifying 'Weeping Angels,' who appeared to be stone statues when you looked at them; however as soon as you closed your eyes, even just for a second, they moved. The angels are capable of displacing you across time and space, if they touch you. In the show, two people try to reach the Tardis (the Doctor's time-machine) before they are touched by the demon angels. 

Carmilla begrudgingly admitted to herself that the episode was actually a lot more jumpy than she expected, but she was so determined to win. Laura, on the other hand, had been clutching a pillow in front of her face from five minutes in. 

The girls were sitting close together so that they could both see the laptop. Laura seemed to get closer to Carmilla as the tension built. At one particularly anxious moment, she tucked her head into Carmilla's shoulder and hid her eyes behind Carmilla's loose curls. Carmilla was thankful for the distraction from the angels on the screen and instead focussed on the sound of Laura's heavy breathing, which was often accompanied with small, whimpering, noises and worried groans. Laura was warm and soft next to her body. She could feel her own temperature rise in the places where they touched. Carmilla gently drapped her left arm around Laura and stroked her back in a soothing manner, until the show was over. Laura risked peaking her head out at regular intervals, but she remained close to Carmilla. 

When the closing music began, signifying the end of the episode, Laura finally moved from the side of Carmilla (slightly hestitantly). Carmilla looked at Laura, a smirk beginning to emerge at the corner of her mouth. Laura visibly pouted. 

"How?" She asked dejectedly. 

"Guess, I'm too tough, Creampuff." A pause crept between them. 

Eager to avoid any awkwardness, Carmilla continued "you on the other hand, could never handle a proper horror film." 

Both girls were clearly preoccupied by the elephant in the room. 

"I guess you won then," Laura said quietly. 

Carmilla lost some of her nerve, "look, Laura, you don't actually... if you don't-" 

Laura, who couldn’t bare the idea of being a sore-loser, plucked up some courage and stopped Carmilla, mid-speech, by placing her two hands on either side of Carmilla's face and slowly and softly kissed her. 

Laura's lips made Carmilla's body tingle. The feeling spread throughout her body, as if the kiss was setting her on fire. She wanted to remain like this for the foreseeable future, but she didn't want to push her luck too far. She started to pull away, but Laura intercepted and deepened the kiss further. Carmilla put her hands around the smaller girl and pulled her closer, eliciting a slight moan escaped from Laura's lips. 

A knock on the door brought them both back to Earth and they jumped apart. 

"Come in," Laura squeaked, a little too high-pitched to be natural. 

"Dinner's ready girls," Laura's Mum announced from behind the door. 

"We'll be right out," Laura replied. 

Once they heard the footsteps recede down the corridor, the pair looked at each other shyly. Laura's cheeks were coloured and her lips were plump and pink. Carmilla wanted nothing but Laura's mouth for dinner. 

"We should probably..." Laura broke the silence. 

"After you," Carmilla smiled slightly and used her hand to gesture for Laura to go ahead of her. 

\- 

During the drive home, Carmilla reflected on the rest of the evening. Dinner had been lovely. Laura's parents were kind and attentive; often asking her questions about her hobbies and the classes she was taking. They made her feel at ease... unlike her own mother. The atmosphere in Laura's house was the antithesis of the cold, loveless and sombre atmosphere of her own home. She couldn't imagine ever feeling so relaxed and in fact, Carmilla could not remember a time when she was relaxed in her own house. 

As she entered the gates of her family mansion and drove up the long, perfectly pruned driveway, she sighed and wished she was still with Laura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for any Doctor Who discrepancies. I loved that episode, but it has been a while since I've seen it.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

 

Carmilla actually looked forward to school the next day. She wondered if Laura would treat her differently, or whether she would sweep the kiss under the carpet and chalk it up to just being a dare. The thought of Laura treating her differently both excited and terrified her. Would she resent the fact that they had kissed? Would she try to avoid Carmilla? Or... did she think about it longingly after Carmilla left, as Carmilla had done all night? 

Carmilla was snapped out of her daze by the subject of her day-dreams, as she was gathering her books from the locker. 

"Hey you!" Came the chipper voice of Laura Hollis, accompanied with a smile that melted Carmilla. 

"Hey," Carmilla responded quietly and she returned the smile. 

"So, the football team are having a party this Friday at Kirch's house... he's the captain of the male team... obviously... although I suppose Kirsch could be a female name... although you probably knew that already, considering you've been going to this school for a lot longer than I have- 

"Spit it out, Creampuff," Carmilla interjected. 

"Right. Yes. So there's this party on Friday and most of the year will be going and I was just wondering if you wanted to come? Or, if you were already planning on going?" Laura trailed off the last part, sounding a little bashful. 

"Hmm, high-school parties aren't usually my thing. But..." She paused for effect and looked into Laura's eyes, "I guess if you're going it won't be so bad." 

Laura threw her arms around Carmilla excitedly. 

"Great! I'll text you the address." 

Carmilla tilted her head to the side, "I know where Kirsch lives Laura. Remember, I have been going to this school for a while?" 

"Ahh, yes. Of course! Guess I'll see you there then?" 

"And probably in English next lesson as well and school tomorrow and the next day after that..." 

Laura laughed awkwardly, "right, yeah... I uh guess I'll see you later, buddy" and she clumsily punched Carmilla on the arm. She tried to walk away backwards, but bumped straight into another student behind her. 

Carmilla turned back to her locker and laughed to herself. 

\- 

Carmilla had managed to convince Laf and Perry to accompany her to the football party, Friday night. When they got there the party was in full-swing and Carmilla was glad that she had sunk a few jack and cokes before she had arrived... Dutch courage and all that... 

The music was distinctly pop, not Carmilla's first choice, but she supposed that after a few drinks she could get into it. 

"Drinks?" Laf asked. 

"I'll come with you," Perry replied. 

"Get me a beer please. I'm going to try and find Laura." 

Laf smiled knowingly, "Ok, keen-bean. Good luck!" 

Carmilla shrugged, "I don’t need luck." But when she turned away and started to make her way into the crowd, the nerves appeared. 

It seemed like the entire year group was at the party, Carmilla was struggling to find Laura. She felt like she had done a lap of the house, at least three-times, before she spotted the enthusiastic bob of the blonde-haired beauty. 

As she was making her way towards Laura, the girl turned and spotted Carmilla coming. They locked eyes and Carmilla felt something pass between them. 

"You came!" Laura said happily when Carmilla finally reached her. 

"Wouldn't have missed it for the world, Cutie." 

A tall ginger sidled up to Laura and put her arm casually around her shoulders. Although she stood at a good two-heads-length above carmilla, there was no way she was going to be intimidated. Carmilla stood her ground and glared at the possessive arm. 

"I'm surprised you're able to fit into standard houses, BFG." 

Danny scoffed, "I'm surprised you left your house when it was still light outside, Morticia." 

Laura, sensing the massive tension, interjected: "anyway, we're all friends here. Let's just enjoy the party." 

Danny decided to ignore Laura's attempt at peace, "who even invited you?" 

"Why don’t you ask Laura?" was Carmilla's smug reply. 

Danny turned to Laura, "since when were you friends with the undead?" 

"Look, I'm friends with you both and I'm not getting in the middle of this." 

There was an awkward pause, which Laura once again filled, "Danny, would you mind getting me a drink?" 

Danny's jaw clenched, however she acquiesced as she couldn't say no to Laura. 

"Sure, I'll be right back." She gave Carmilla one last glare and she walked off. 

Laura smiled apologetically. "she's very overprotective. I guess there's some history between you two?" 

"Mmm, we've never really gotten on. The ginger giant blames me for the breakup of her last relationship." 

"Oh really, why?" Laura was curious. 

Carmilla shrugged and her classic smirk appeared. 

"She caught me kissing her girlfriend." 

Laura just stared, "I suppose that would do it." 

"I didn’t know the girl was going out with Xena, in my defense." 

"And if you did know? Would it have changed anything?" 

Carmilla pursed her lips and smiled, "probably not." 

"That's some reputation you've got." Laura's tone was almost wistful. 

Carmilla didn't want Laura to think of her in the same way that Danny did. She wasn't really sure why, but for the first time in a long time, she cared about what someone thought of her. 

"Look, Creampuff," Carmilla began, but she was interrupted by Danny returning with a drink for Laura. Danny had a determined expression on her face. 

"Hey fang-face," she addressed Carmilla, "one of your concubines is looking for you. She said that you two had unfinished business to attend to." Danny smirked. 

Carmilla grimaced and looked up at Laura quickly. Her expression was difficult to read. Again, she was about to speak, but was interrupted when an arm appeared around her waist. 

"There you are, fitty," the intruder purred to Carmilla. 

Carmilla removed the girl's arm and muttered a 'hey' to the female she vaguely remembered as being called Elsie. She looked up at Laura, who couldn't meet her eyes. 

Danny, not one to pass up on such a fortuitous opportunity suggested to Laura that they should leave the two love-birds alone. Laura agreed quickly, keen to be far away from having to see Carmilla with a potential girlfriend or fuck-buddy. 

\- 

Carmilla was in the kitchen, downing yet another jack and coke. Elsie, the blonde-bimbo, was chatting incessantly into her ear about something mundane. She couldn't get Laura's vacant expression out of her head. And now she was off somewhere with the ginger-giant, probably getting more and more drunk. And the BFG was probably filling Laura with twisted distortions of Carmilla's past. Damn it, she hated how small-town this place was, with everyone knowing each others' business. 

"So, how about it?" Carmilla was brought out of her ruminating by the jabbering Elsie. 

"Think about what?" Carmilla almost snapped. 

"Think about coming home with me! I can sneak you into my bedroom, like before, and then back out of the window in the morning," Elsie stated eagerly. 

"Nahh, I think I'm good." 

"What is with you? You've been acting funny for days. You haven't texted me in ages, or flirted with me in school. I'm practically serving it up to you on a plate!" 

"I just don't feel like it, ok?" With that Carmilla moved back into the party, set on finding Laura and telling her her side of the story. Carmilla searched every face in the living room, but she couldn't see Laura. She made her way upstairs, gingerly opening bedroom doors, terrified to find Laura in a state of undress underneath Danny. Luckily, she only walked in on some horny heteros. So she returned to the downstairs part of the house and spotted Laf and Curley Sue. 

"Have you seen Laura?" 

"Hello to you too, Carmilla! Having a good time?" Laf asked. 

Carmilla repeated the question, this time with more urgency, "have you seen Laura? I really need to speak to her." 

Laf picked up on Carmilla's anxious expression. "Urm, I think I saw her going outside with Danny a quarter of an hour ago." 

Carmilla uttered a thanks and made her way to the back garden. 

The cool air was a welcome relief, after the stifling heat in the house's interior. Kirsch's garden was extensive, with a patio and a small courtyard and a green area beyond. It didn’t take long for Carmilla to spot the red-flames of Danny's hair. Laura was standing close to her and then Danny was leaning down and she held Laura's head and they were... they were kissing. 

Carmilla tore away from the unpleasant sight and headed straight back to the kitchen, straight back to the alcohol. She grabbed the nearest bottle and swigged freely, finally making a juddering sound when she stopped. Elsie was still there, hovering. Carmilla wordlessly grabbed the girls hand and pulled her into the living room to dance, finally feeling the full effect of the alcohol spreading through her veins, numbing her aching heart. 

She pulled Elsie close to her, holding her by the hips. Elsie began to grind on Carmilla. Carmilla smirked and looked up, only to find herself locking eyes with Laura. She looked angry. Laura, in turn, pulled Danny onto the dancefloor. Both couples began to dance closely. Carmilla and Laura looked at each other constantly, but their respective partners were none the wiser. Carmilla turned Elsie around so that her behind was grinding into Carmilla, so Laura reached up to put her arms around Danny's head. Carmilla kissed Elsie's neck and Laura grabbed Danny's chin to kiss her hard, on the lips. Carmilla glared. She turned Elsie back around and roughly kissed her. 

By the time she looked up again, Laura and Danny had disappeared. 

When the song ended she left Elsie, in order to find Laf and Perry. She told them she felt unwell and was going to leave. She cursed repeatedly under her breath for the whole walk home. This was not how the night was supposed to go.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long hiatus! School got crazy and then I went away all Summer.

Carmilla was sat in the back corner of the library in her mother's house. The chair she had made herself comfortable on was well worn and she could have sworn that the grooves on the seat were still perfectly shaped to her own body. The library was always the place she came to contemplate in, or to escape to. She was amused that her childhood home had not changed at all, as she surveyed it from the top to the bottom. It still made her feel slightly uneasy. In the last year living here she had lived in silence and she had spent the minimum time possible in the house. She chose instead to abide in a place that made her feel safe and loved. She chose Laura's home. 

If she was asked directly whether or not she had expected to see Laura Hollis in her return to Silas, she would have shrugged and said the possibility was unlikely. Laura was no doubt off travelling the world, investigating and giving a voice to the minorities of society. Even when she returned from her humanitarian missions Laura would've most likely have made her base in some big city like New York or Washington D.C. Carmilla would have feigned apathy, pretending that she could barely remember the girl. 

Internally, she was conflicted. If she was being truthful, a small part of her had hoped... hoped to once again see the person that carried both her happiest memories and her most heart-wrenching. Laura Hollis was the first person she had truly loved. 

As if the Universe was trying to make her feel guilty, her fiancé walked into the library disturbing her peace. 

"So this is where you've been hiding." It wasn't said as an accusation, but it made Carmilla feel guilty nonetheless. 

"Not hiding, just thinking." Her fiancé draped her arms around Carmilla and kissed her cheek. Carmilla smiled. Her fiancé was exceptionally beautiful with her striking blonde hair, ice-blue eyes and prominent cheekbones. She could be a Scandinavian model. 

They met at work. They were both junior associates in one of the top firms in New York. The work was high-stakes, fast-paced and competitive. They had hit it off straight away, as both of them were naturally flirtatious and recognised that in one another. 

El had pursued Carmilla like a predator and Carmilla have proven more of a challenge than anyone she had met before. Carmilla joked, later on, that El had only stuck around for so long because Carmilla had been so difficult to conquer. 

Even now, two years into their relationship, there was still a struggle for dominance. Carmilla supposed that one of the things that made them such a strong couple was the fiery passion that bound them together, although this also meant that they had explosive arguments. 

In those two years, once Carmilla had given herself over to El, she had not once thought about straying. El was smart, charming and beautiful and she eclipsed any other women around her. Nevertheless, as soon as Carmilla locked eyes with Laura Hollis, once more in that café, she felt a powerful wave of emotions that struck her very core. It was just like she was seventeen again and Laura was making her feel things that she had never experienced before. 

So, when she looked at her striking fiancé, she couldn’t help but compare the two. Laura was just as smart as El, but El used her knowledge to have power over people; whereas Laura used her smarts to help people and to speak for those who had previously been silenced. El was fire and passion; whereas Laura was kindness, love and safety. El was piercingly attractive and could be intimidating with it; whereas Laura's beauty radiated from within and instantly made you feel relaxed. 

But, Laura was then and El is now. Laura was Carmilla's past and El is supposed to be her future. El had proven herself faithful and loyal, and Laura... well Laura had broken Carmilla's heart.


End file.
